Ok, so there’s an evolving story with J. It is scary to think that this has been going on for so long. Some twelve years ago we were coworkers. Then by some strange will of the universe we became lovers (not a couple, though). We had kind of agreed that as soon as one of us finds their love we will end our relationship. I was the first to meet somebody. And I told J about it just as we had agreed. And so it was time for us to break up. But I suggested to only end our bodily relationship and otherwise remain friends. Because I don’t understand why you should lose a friend of you stop sleeping with somebody. He said that it was impossible, that things never go this way and we will probably never even talk to each other again. But we remained friends. Until this day. Sometimes we would go back to having sex. Sometimes we wouldn’t see each other for years. But we keep being friends. And I love this about us.
With all the storms that have been going on in my life for the past several years J and I had become distant (althouh I would always have nice memories about this person. No strings attached but at the same time warm feelings to this person at those rare times that I would think about him. If you know what I mean).
Recently the distance between us just collapsed like an old brick wall.
To be continued…


God’s dolls

One day, when my child no.1 was just five, child no.1 said to me on a random car ride: “You know, we are all just God’s dolls. He pulls the strings that we’re tied to and this is how we live our lives.” I was blown away. Especially having in mind that we are not very religious and I seldom tell my kids anything about God. And child no.1 was five, yes…

V (part one)

There was once V in my life. I loved him, did things for him, I wanted to be with him and wanted to make him happy. I met him unexpectedly in a black BMW. I used to bake the most delicious carrot cake for him just because he couldn’t eat your usual cake. My bond with him (not his with me, apparently) was extremely strong. But my happiness was short lived.

There was this time in my life when any kind of relationship was just not on my mind. I was enjoying my free life so much I almost dreaded meeting someone. And then one day my very-good-friend-at-the-time invited me to go out with her. At that time she really liked a guy from work. But he didn’t like her, I guess. So, instead of going out with him she ended up going out with two of his friends and me. So, the three of them came to pick me up. The black BMW was driven by a very handsome guy. The other one was really ugly. But it didn’t take long for him to become my no.1 adult person in the whole white world. It’s not about the beauty, right? He seemed to be extremely caring. Even my child no.1 liked him (at that time I only had one child). He was nice and warm, and helping me with anything and everything. The strange thing though was that in extremely stressful situations I would still reach out to my child’s father rather than V. But at that time I didn’t reflect on that. V and I were not living together but he would spend a lot of time at my place. I could see the world in his eyes. Red flag number one that I didn’t want to take into consideration was that he was hiding me and our relationship in general from his parents. This wasn’t the first time in my life when I was hidden from parents and I know I should have paid more attention to it. It’s not that I didn’t notice this. It’s not that it didn’t hurt my feelings. But the satisfying feeling of having him around was much bigger than the small ache of being hidden. And at least he didn’t hide me from his friends.

Another red flag was pointed out by my friend’s husband. He has the sixth sense I guess. He told me that V wasn’t really up for me, so to say. And even knowing that my friend’s husband is usually right, I still ignored it. He said the way V was looking at me wasn’t a loving man’s look. On the other hand, what if I had taken that into consideration? I was at the point where I was unable to stop loving V.

The cracking of our relationship started, I guess, when one day I told V that I loved him. He remained silent and I knew something was wrong. Then he said he didn’t feel the same way about me. I was devastated. But I pretended that it was all fine, I understood him, no pressure, still wanted him to know that he is loved, all that stuff…

Then one day he just said it was over. I never expected that. I am a fixer by nature and I thought we could still make it, he would fall in love with me eventually. But no. Then I asked why he had started all this in the first place. I mean, I was so happy being single and he was just doing everything possible and impossible to get me. And I did get hooked eventually. And now he’s suddenly telling me he never loved me in the first place. The reason why he started it all was just ardor, he said. SERIOUSLY?!? You ruin someone’s life, break their heart and leave their kid hurt, too just because you wanted to feel cool and hunt someone down?! That’s so immature and irresponsible. That was when I promised to myself to never again be the first to tell a man that I love him.

V left me in a really bad state. All of our male friends turned away from me (hell knows what he told them). Female friends were much more understanding but at some point I started avoiding their company because they reminded me of him too much. There was only one friend whom I didn’t understand. It was the same friend who had invited me to go clubbing on that memorable night. I was abandoned by her. I guess it was just more convenient for her that way and she didn’t care about me enough to bother herself. But I will tell about that in another post.

To be continued…

Make believe

I’ve read an article about a contemporary Chinese artist Zhou Tiehai. He discovered that “the most important thing in the art world in general was to get people to believe you were famous, no matter what you might do to support that.” Loved the idea! Oftentimes, indeed, it is not about who you are but about what others think you are. Or about what you feel you are. You feel equals you make them believe.


There was R. We went to university together. He was a bit older than most of us. We were friends. One day he asked me if we could be a couple and I said no. I felt terribly bad about it. I never told anyone about his proposal and my refusal. He was blind and he was a good musician. He was desperate, as I see it now. Rest in peace my friend. Rest in peace birdie.

Mr. Tea

And so there’s Mr. Tea. So spiritual and sexual at the same time the connection between the two gives you goosebumps. Mr. Tea is kind of fun, weird and mysterious at the same time. I’ve never met him. Could call it an online relationship but it is not. Online – yes. Relationship – no. Kind of. Oh, well…

I had a dream about a person named Mr. Tea (the name has been changed for privacy reasons and is known to the author of this blog). The feeling of being beside him was so amazingly good. It was not physical if that’s what you’re thinking. It just felt like I am taken care of. As I woke up in the morning my only thought was to find that man. And where does one look for people nowadays? Facebook! So I entered the named from my dream in the search field and… there were several Mr. Teas. Immediately I rejected those who had kids or wives in their profiles pictures. Never wanted to ruin a family, never thought the person who took care of me could be already taking care of someone else. By looking at those small profile pictures I realized one of them could look like the man from my dream. And then I don’t remember what happened but apparently I sent him a friendship request. Must have, as maybe a year and a half and a couple of relationships later the request was unexpectedly accepted. I sent a message asking WHY and WHY NOW. Word after word and we were chatting non-stop. Exchanging photos of our dinners! How crazy is that? Just like with M, there was this feeling as if you’ve known that person for ever. Unlike with M, there was also a sense of strange and unknown. Not because we would be culturally very different but because every person is a mystery to be discovered. The thing is just that we tend to want to discover certain people and do not care the least bit about other. I wanted to get to know Mr. Tea and Mr. Tea wanted to get to know me. Gradually we turned out to like each other. He started calling me more. The problem was that he actually had a wife and two kids (!) and I was living with a relative at that time. I did not want her to know anything about my relationships (I have my reasons to hide). Neither did I want my kids to suspect anything and start asking questions. I just want to keep the convenience of being left in peace. So we had to keep things low. Did I feel bad about him being married? Not at all. From the very beginning I had the feeling this was not getting us anywhere. So no real cheating involved. He had big issues with his wife and sometimes I felt more like a therapist to him rather than a lover. You say lover is not an appropriate name to call myself in this situation? I wouldn’t be so sure. Very short into our communication Mr. Tea became  Mr. Sexy. It was all too obvious this man was not getting enough of the thing and he needed it more than he needs water. As for me it was quite different. I simply fell no need for a bodily relationship. It was thins blissful time when you are single and do not need anybody’s soul or body. You are just self-sufficient. The feeling is indescribably good. You are calm, content, at peace. And there comes this man with all of his sexual energy overflowing. At first my reaction was that of rejection. Don’t get me wrong, I felt good inside knowing that there is a man who wants me like crazy. Every woman in any situation would feel good about it deep inside. However, at the same time it felt like a total waste of time. Imagine yourself engaging in a sexual conversation with someone when sex is the last thing on your mind (or, to be more precise, not existing on your mind at all), spending time talking over the phone or chatting online when you have your kids waiting for your attention, chores to do, work to go to, blog to write, etc. But at some point Mr.Tea just got me. It was the second time in my life when I was in the situation of not striving for a bodily relationship and yet giving in totally. It is like a switch. One moment it is off and the next one it is suddenly on. It was off for several moths, a year, for a long time. And suddenly there is light and I realize that the blissful darkness is not enough for me any more. If you ask me how it fells, it feels sad. Imagine you don’t have something and you don’t need it at all. And suddenly the switch is on, there you are needing the thing yet you still do not have it. Sad, isn’t it? You lose the peace of mind. When it happened to me for the first time, the physical relationship that at first I didn’t want or need was eventually there (happened with Mr. J, will tell about him one day). This time, with Mr.Tea the need to have someone near me reappeared but there was no one around. We could talk about wildest things but physically he was not there. Still, it almost felt like love. Although his feelings for me were much stronger than mine for him. I just managed to stay distant and keep a cool head, probably because I was hurt so many times before. This time my mind and heart just refused to jump into it. Eventually Mr. Tea and I started fighting. Just like a real couple. And we stopped communicating for months. I knew I was supposed to feel sad. But it felt liberating. I regained all of my time back. Yet Mr. Tea was somewhere in the back of my mind. He was there wasn’t gone and forgotten.

One day I accomplished something big. Back when we were still communicating I had told Mr.Tea that I planned to accomplish this. And once I did I just wanted to let him know. Because this was something important. I only expected him to acknowledge. Just a nod of the head. But no, he said I had revived everything, had brought the feelings that he had almost killed back to life.

We seldom chat now. Talked over the phone once. I like it this way, like to keep it down. At the same time I miss him in a way. I think about him. He used to have plans to meet. I would like that and… I wouldn’t like that. I don’t want to lose him and I don’t want to have him. Him as a virtual lover is a waste of time. Him as someone real means him losing his family and me getting involved with someone I am not head over heels in love with. At the moment our relationship is kind of down. But is not over. Neither is it flourishing. Just go with the flow kind of thing. Am I with Mr. Tea just because there is no one better around? No! It is much better to be single than be with just anyone. I know that from my own painful experience. And I do have the comfort to be single. Yet Mr. Tea feels kind of mine. As if I do and do not belong with him. Am I with him?


So. This is going to be an absolutely open blog. This is how I decided. Truth, nothing but the truth, naked truth and truth only. About love, no love, weird love, love as it is, lack of love, the need to be loved and… no need to be loved.

I will share one story today.

Many years ago I loved a man from another country. A different but at the same time similar culture. I fell in love with him many years ago and did not fall out of this love for many years even after our relationship was over. It was over for him. But not for me. I think a relationship is not over until it is not over in the heads of both people. I think that relationship was not over while I kept loving the man. I loved him like I never loved anyone (before and after), NEVER EVER. And he loved me. I could fee I was loved. I just knew his feelings were true. But… they were short-lived. Let’s call this man M. So M convinced me to leave my boyfriend-at-the-time. Wouldn’t say needed much convincing. My feelings for my boyfriend (let’s call him H and I believe at some point I will tell his story, too) were fading. Then one night, being in a country far away from home, I saw M. He wasn’t local, either. So we were both strangers in that country but at the same time he had spent several years there already and he guided me through my everyday life there. Anyway, I never believed love at first sight really existed until I… fell in love at first sight. There are these people that you know how they are by merely looking at their face. I mean, some people are a mystery to be discovered while others (not that many of them, actually) have it all written on their faces. He was one of those. At least for me. We started living together a week or two into our relationship. Too soon, you would say? I would say so too if it wasn’t about me and him.  And living with him was no mistake. These were the best times of my life. But one day it was time for me to go home to my country. And he stayed where we met and lived. I used to cry myself to sleep like a baby. It felt like I could not breathe without him. I got into depression to a point where I had to take drugs. Nothing helped. The drugs made me feel very bad physically so I had to stop. But then my love bought plane tickets for me and I went to visit him. That trip healed me. It made me believe we would actually be together for good. I just knew I would have to go home once again, finish my studies and then somehow, no matter how I would go back to M and we would be together. I went home being stronger. I went home believing. Yet our next meeting never happened. One day he just stopped calling me, writing to me, answering my calls. I was going crazy thinking something awful had happened to him. The thought of him ending our relationship never crossed my mind. And yet this is how it was. One day he finally picked up and as simply as that told me he had fallen OUT of love with me. It was over. Something over for the first time in my life that hurt me so much. 12 years have passed. For maybe 8 or so I still loved that man. I loved him and hated him, ignored him and was talking to him in my mind. And I still feel hurt. Broken. Shallow. To a point, of course, because time heals (or at least lets you forget). But I will feel the consequences of this breaking-up for the rest of my life. That’s how deep it hurts. It used to hurt like crazy all the time. Then it would hurt only when I would remember. Now there is just a shadow of this pain, just some tingling sensation. But that will never go. It is mine for good. I earned it.