V (part one)

There was once V in my life. I loved him, did things for him, I wanted to be with him and wanted to make him happy. I met him unexpectedly in a black BMW. I used to bake the most delicious carrot cake for him just because he couldn’t eat your usual cake. My bond with him (not his with me, apparently) was extremely strong. But my happiness was short lived.

There was this time in my life when any kind of relationship was just not on my mind. I was enjoying my free life so much I almost dreaded meeting someone. And then one day my very-good-friend-at-the-time invited me to go out with her. At that time she really liked a guy from work. But he didn’t like her, I guess. So, instead of going out with him she ended up going out with two of his friends and me. So, the three of them came to pick me up. The black BMW was driven by a very handsome guy. The other one was really ugly. But it didn’t take long for him to become my no.1 adult person in the whole white world. It’s not about the beauty, right? He seemed to be extremely caring. Even my child no.1 liked him (at that time I only had one child). He was nice and warm, and helping me with anything and everything. The strange thing though was that in extremely stressful situations I would still reach out to my child’s father rather than V. But at that time I didn’t reflect on that. V and I were not living together but he would spend a lot of time at my place. I could see the world in his eyes. Red flag number one that I didn’t want to take into consideration was that he was hiding me and our relationship in general from his parents. This wasn’t the first time in my life when I was hidden from parents and I know I should have paid more attention to it. It’s not that I didn’t notice this. It’s not that it didn’t hurt my feelings. But the satisfying feeling of having him around was much bigger than the small ache of being hidden. And at least he didn’t hide me from his friends.

Another red flag was pointed out by my friend’s husband. He has the sixth sense I guess. He told me that V wasn’t really up for me, so to say. And even knowing that my friend’s husband is usually right, I still ignored it. He said the way V was looking at me wasn’t a loving man’s look. On the other hand, what if I had taken that into consideration? I was at the point where I was unable to stop loving V.

The cracking of our relationship started, I guess, when one day I told V that I loved him. He remained silent and I knew something was wrong. Then he said he didn’t feel the same way about me. I was devastated. But I pretended that it was all fine, I understood him, no pressure, still wanted him to know that he is loved, all that stuff…

Then one day he just said it was over. I never expected that. I am a fixer by nature and I thought we could still make it, he would fall in love with me eventually. But no. Then I asked why he had started all this in the first place. I mean, I was so happy being single and he was just doing everything possible and impossible to get me. And I did get hooked eventually. And now he’s suddenly telling me he never loved me in the first place. The reason why he started it all was just ardor, he said. SERIOUSLY?!? You ruin someone’s life, break their heart and leave their kid hurt, too just because you wanted to feel cool and hunt someone down?! That’s so immature and irresponsible. That was when I promised to myself to never again be the first to tell a man that I love him.

V left me in a really bad state. All of our male friends turned away from me (hell knows what he told them). Female friends were much more understanding but at some point I started avoiding their company because they reminded me of him too much. There was only one friend whom I didn’t understand. It was the same friend who had invited me to go clubbing on that memorable night. I was abandoned by her. I guess it was just more convenient for her that way and she didn’t care about me enough to bother herself. But I will tell about that in another post.

To be continued…

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